A couple months ago I was at the doctors office again. I was seeing a new dr. which is normal due to the size of the town and the lack of doctors who want to stick around.
That day I was on crutches because my foot was twice the size it should be and I could not put any weight on it or put a shoe on. The no shoe would not be so bad but there was a foot of snow so bare feet or bedroom slippers were not an option. Now I was not there because of my foot, I think I know what that problem is from and it has become a normal situation for me. Inconvenient but normal.
I was there because my teeth hurt and I have a constant earache which my dentist told me was due to nerve damage. I have also started having my legs from the hips down go numb and to some extent my arms.
That is getting kind of scary since I am by myself in the house most of the time, and if something happens what do I do?
Well the doctor first checked out my foot and then the way I was sitting. I have what is considered to be very bad posture. I was always told to stand up straight and sit straighter to look better. Believe me I tried not only to stop the lectures on good posture but because I wanted to look good as a teenager.
I tried and the only thing it seemed to do was make me hurt. But try explaining that to someone and they think you are a bit of a wimp who is just lazy.
Well the Dr. told me she thought I had a different form of rheumatoid arthritis and I forgot to have her write it down and since the name was long I have forgotten the name. I do know the symptoms and the fact that it starts when you are a teen and you tend to hunch over because the rib cage hurts when you stand or sit straight.
Now this is exactly what I was going through all those many years ago.
She said she would fill out forms to get the disability tax break from the federal government and the provincial government.
I said fine and went back a few days later to pick them up. We sent them in and to my utter shock the government agreed with her and now my husband can claim some of the things on his tax return. I have not been able to work almost since we got married but I never wanted to admit it. I stayed at home and raised my sons and told everyone that is what I really wanted to do. This is true to a certain extent but when you see other families and children getting things you know you can’t afford because there is only one income it starts to hurt.
You lose your self confidence and you start to think your children must hate you because you can’t do things other mothers do with their children.
You become isolated from people your own age because you cannot plan to go for coffee or to the mall because you don’t know from one day to the next how you will feel.
So friends drift away and you are left alone whether you want it that way or not.
Your children grow up and move away and have families of their own and you are left lonelier still. Oh you get phone calls from them but you don’t have a place in their everyday lives anymore.
This is all part of Life’s cycle but when you do not have any place to go to fill in the lonely hours it is not only lonely it is kind of depressing.
You begin to wonder, what are you going to do when your husband retires and you are so crippled up you cannot look after yourself let alone your husband?
Will he want to stay at home with you or will he build a life after retirement without you in it?
So right now meaning the last few months and for a few more months at least I have taken up a hobby that I can do without leaving the house other than getting groceries.
I am canning vegetables fruits and meat.
I am doing this to keep fairly active but also to make me feel like I am contributing to life. Even if it is only in a small way. It feels good to see the jars of food build up on the basement shelves.
Last night I was not up to cooking so I went down and pulled two jars of canned beef chunks chopped up some sweet potatoes and onions wrapped the vegetables in tin foil and put them in the oven. Then the meat was opened and put in a frying pan to heat up I mixed a bit of corn starch with water and added this to the meat and it was tender beef with gravy. It was a great meal with absolutely no great amount of work.
For a dessert I opened a half pint jar of cherries and that was dessert for Don.
This one simple meal made me realize that I can look after my home and family, even if it is not the way I would like to do it.
You see I love to cook and experiment with different ingredients and come up with a new meal each day. But if that is not something I can do on a particular day I can still put a good meal on the table.
So yes I have to finally admit I am disabled it is not the end of the world. I have known it for many years but having the doctor tell me that I am makes it hit home big time. But I can still do things I love most days and hopefully I will be able to be almost pain free when my grandchildren come for a visit once a year. If not then pain pills will make it bearable.
So admit something you may not want to but learn to do things in a different way so that life does not end mentally. You still have many years of life to get through so you might as well do it with the biggest smile you can put on each day.
My next post will be recipes and instructions on how to can things you find when they are a good price so you can enjoy them when they are more expensive later in the year.